Last

Well, I hope this is my last time to write about dating....because I'm pretty sure Ducati and I are it.

We spent the entire day with the kids, went swimming, to the arcade, the amusement park, my house and then his house.  We stayed at his house all night.  I have never ever had my daughter spend the night at a guy's house before.  Well, this is only the second guy she's met, so that probably has a bit to do with it.

Last night we went to the amusement park with the kids, the same amusement park we went to the first night we met 10 years ago. I have to say, as much fun as I had as a teenager with him, I had an even better time as an adult watching our kids play together. 

As we were standing in line for the rides with the kids he asked me to hold him up and he would hold me up.  I told him I'd be the loser there because I'd probably fall.....

"What's wrong with falling for me," he asked.  And so, I did.

2 liters and dutch gin

Last night was...one of a kind.  My friend's grandparents got me drunk off Dutch Gin.  And this shit is legit, straight from Holland, kick you in the ass gin.  I had five shots of it I think, plus some wine and was fuuuuucked up.

And so, I called Ducati.  Well, actually my friend called him first and told him to come and get me.  Mind you, this is the friend whose very very best friend is the girl that's in love with him supposedly.

He came right in the knick of time, to see me kneeled over making myself throw up.  I was OUT. OF. CONTROL.  I cannot believe I was that ridiculous. 

Then, he was putting me in his truck and I kissed his neck and he told me to stop.  I couldn't believe it, I totally misjudged everything.  But, I was too drunk to remember that happening by the time we got to my house so I was putting my arms around him and trying to kiss him again, and again he stopped me.  He threw me- THREW ME- in my bed, put the covers over me and told me to call him when I woke up.

I almost did as he said, but then I got up and ran down the stairs to stop him from leaving.  I stood in front of his car for a few minutes wondering why he wasn't getting out....and then he came into the garage from my house.  He probably thought I was a dumbass for not realizing he wasn't in the truck....he would think right if he did think that.

And we started talking, I asked him why he was leaving me and that I wanted him to stay.

"What about Moxie," was the first thing he asked me.  Then he said he didn't want to have sex with me.  I asked why he had put his arms around me when we slept that morning and he said that's just what he likes.  And finally, he said we were just friends.

I was broken.  I turned my head to look away from him and pouted.  Literally had my lower lip out and everything.  I wanted to cry.  And, luckily I needed to throw up, so I went to the bushes and tried to throw up and I couldn't help it, I started crying.  I have had four guys now turn me down, I just couldn't take it.

He came over and talked to me for a minute as tears were streaming down my face.  Honestly, I might have been more upset over this turn down then all the others.  I'm not sure.  He randomly mentioned he had to call his mom and wish her happy birthday and he laid his head on my chest and we called and talked to his mom for an hour or so.

We went inside at some point while he was on the phone with her and I started to give him a lap dance.  No music, nothing.  He was still on the phone and I started to kiss his neck, this time though he didn't stop me.  Instead he got off the phone.  He asked what I was doing but, he still didn't stop me.

We ended up having fan-fucking-tastic sex for I don't know how long.  I was a total whore.  No denying it.  I took all of my clothes off, which never happens, threw a condom at him and headed for my bathroom.  He picked me up and took me in the shower and I was screaming.  Absolutely amazing.

Except....he has a dick the size of a 2 liter.

cAti

Well, yesterday was interesting.  I spent the day from 2 p.m. to 10 a.m. this morning with Ducati.  And my range of emotions goes from... lustful and swooning to hurt and disappointed.

Every time I get excited to be around him, or start to like him, I think of our friend, Moxie. 

Every. mother. fucking. time.

I introduced him to my friend and she didn't approve of him.  Well, actually he met a few of my friends yesterday.  We went to the lake with a few of my girlfriends and these four other guys. 

They liked him alright, I think they're a little shocked that I like him, but they didn't say anything.  Then, we went to the bar that my friends were at because that's where my friends were.  He made the entire group of people we were with go where my friends wanted me to come.

But, my friend said she didn't approve of him.  Great friend.  However, a lot of her reasoning is because of Moxie.

I don't know what he thinks either.  I kept mentioning to people how I was supposed to see Dopey, and Dopey called me quite a few times once he was in town.  I blew Dopey off though, especially when he told me he'd send a cab to wherever I was right then and pay for it when it got to his friends house.... Thanks Dopey, I love feeling like a paid for piece.

Duc never said a word.  Well, until I ignored the third call in 10 minutes that Dopey made to me.  And then all he said was Dopey, huh?

And he is a total gentleman.  He barely touches me unless I make a first move, he hasn't even tried to kiss me, he definitely hasn't tried to do me.  He didn't even sleep in HIS bed that I went and laid down on with the purpose of him sleeping...next...to me.  He slept on his couch instead, even after I heard his friends telling him to go to his room because I obviously went there on purpose.

He didn't come to his bed until 7 a.m. when I went to the living room and pretty much got him myself.  And then, he wrapped his arms around me and we slept. 

I am so disappointed.

I think I'd rather be ignorantly blissful right now then painfully pragmatic.

There's something wrong with me

I'm not going to lie, I say that a lot about myself.  But, really, there is, and not the "normal" wrong, but something deep seated and psychologically destructive is wrong with me kind of thing.

I think.....maybe....I avoid commitment.  There, I said it.  And those of you who aren't bored to tears by this blog, are thinking what a liar I am.  But I'm serious, I think I avoid commitment by avoiding men who want a commitment.  The only reason I was in a relationship was because he pushed for it, and that was nearly a year ago that it ended.

Or, maybe I give them a totally wrong idea that I don't want commitment and these young blokes give up on me. 

I've been talking to Rome a lot lately.  Ha! I say a lot as though I'm a normal person who would say that and mean, at the least, daily.  I've talked to him thrice in the past 3 weeks....and that qualifies as a lot for me.

There's something wrong with me.

The fact that I'm so hung up on Rome says there is something wrong with me, but then my side of these grotesquely unnatural relationships also points out that there is something wrong with me.  Honestly....I think Rome would talk to me every time I texted him, if I actually sent him a text.  Same goes for Tallahassee.  But I don't text either.

I've gone all week without talking to Tallahassee, he finally sent me a holiday text message today.  Of course, I replied to him and we had a lengthy conversation but it was awkward, not comfortable.  As though, maybe he's wondering why I didn't send him a message all week, or why I responded to him sending a mass holiday message (seriously people, QUIT DOING THAT).

And what kills me is that I LOVE when they initiate or respond to me.  I just can't seem to gather the... desire, maybe, or the strength to actually send them a message.

My text to Rome today said, Hi love, don't get a dui tonight, call me if you need me. XO.

All I know is that I can't stop thinking about how I could definitely enjoy hanging out with either of these two regularly, and I don't know if it's me or them, but somewhere, someone is ending these relationships even though we all seem to like each other.  Ok ok, they don't know about each other, but that's besides the point.

Ooooh, there's something wrong with me......

Tallahasse vs. Rome

I see his name everywhere...I mean EVERYWHERE.  I went to read a new bill being passed that will effect one of my employers, and the Web site disseminating the message is named Rome ___.  There are signs on cars everywhere, "Rome Electric", "Rome Car Wash", "Rome F-Off" no not really that one.  I have never noticed there were so many sports athletes whose names were Rome...it's killing me.

I don't want to see his name anymore.  I hate the idea that he's everywhere, in my head, on signs, Web sites, sports, etc.  It's like a mocking reminder of the one that could never be.  And this comes around right after a near perfect night with Tallahassee.

So, I'll try and talk about that now that I've whined over Rome.

Tallahassee sent me a message on Saturday asking what I was doing that night. 

So I said, "You"....but it came out, "Nothing, how about you?"  And he asked if I wanted to do something.  Oh my heart melted, my stomach fluttered...actually I was pretty hung over so not a lot happened.

He came over and asked if I wanted to go somewhere.  I said I wanted to get dressed up and go eat at the grocery store diner.  He believed me....apparently he hasn't picked up on my humor, yet.  (He was getting it by the next morning though)

So, we watched a movie, Superbad to be exact.  I told him how I was glad he didn't think like the skinny guy when I threw myself at him drunk.  Then we went upstairs....

We were in the middle of a moment of passion when I found it...

A big huge wad of lint was stuck to my special spot.  FUCKING SICK.  I had a hair tickling him (and I don't have hair there, I'm in America after all).  I couldn't believe it, at first I thought it was him, he shaves too though...what the fuck!

Damn dogs.  But, that didn't stop us, I felt it when I was helping and pulled the hair off and we went back to it.  Lucky for me the moment wasn't ruined. 

Maybe because he had already been laughing at me for not zipping my pants before he got there...I tried to explain I don't see the point, it's just one more step when I'm trying to pee.

Or, maybe because he just finds me to be so magical a little wad of my and my dog's hair isn't going to stop him.

Either way, I sure am thankful.  The night, was purely blissful.

And, even as I see Rome's name everywhere, I can't get Tallahassee's face out of my mind...and it is much nicer.

EVEROMETALLA

Hindsight is always 20/20, but what if you never make it to the end to look back and realize what you did wrong.  What if the mess just keeps on going.

"I miss you," I texted to Rome in a drunken stupor.  This is the point that I would just like to be in the hind so I can see 20/20.

And, 8 hours later, as he was getting a DUI and I was laying in my bed with Tallahassee, he was calling me to be there for him.  And today I want nothing more than to be with him...

Rome, this is to you:

  If you don't need me for a month at a time when you're doing good,   then you don't need me for a night when you're at your worst. 

I wanted to answer the phone.  It was in my kitchen and Tallahassee and I were in my bed, and I knew it was Rome.  I heard it before it started to ring and the second I heard the ping I knew Rome was calling me.

And as I started to get up to get it, I looked at Talla.  Talla had ignored the girl who wants him, in order to be with me... 

The girl who probably has an infinitely better body than me; the girl who can probably go to the bar whenever he asks and not have to find a babysitter; the girl who probably doesn't have three jobs and school full time because she's insane because she probably likes to sit at home, smoke, drink and relax and be there for Talla's calls. 

That girl... is not me.  So why Talla would pick me over her is beyond me, but I knew it was time for me to pick him over Rome.

But, it wasn't easy and I checked in on Rome today.  Why, because I'm stupid, because I love him as a friend more than I should.  Because if it were me in his shoes I would want him there with me. 

But, he doesn't want me there when life is great, he doesn't want me there when he's out celebrating with his friends.  He wants me there when he's going to be the sweet person he is at his home, or when his life just hit bottom and he doesn't want to be alone.

Tallahassee wanted to be with me and get only 3 hours of sleep before his long day.  Not because Talla wanted to get a piece, because he didn't.  Instead Talla wanted to spend time with me.

We talked, we kissed, we canoodled... Tallahassee is what I want Rome to be and maybe more.  But, I look at Tallahassee and see X.  I think of how I left Rome for X, like I'm giving up on Rome for Talla, and how X turned out to be.  Is that what will happen with Talla?

I think I see the imperfections of Rome, I have watched him fall and been there with him through it and I don't feel so bad about my mistakes.  I don't see anything wrong with Tallahassee like I do with Rome.  So why would he want to take a bite of my rotten apple?

Talla-mmmm

"How do you meet all of these men?" This time my client was the one asking me this question.  In the last week I had been asked that by at least three different people.

I guess I never realized I was meeting lots of men... My cousin put it a little more bluntly though and said, "Do you just go out and find guys to have sex with, is there somewhere you do that at?"

Oh my god, I died laughing.  Don't all guys want to have sex, so if a girl wants to too it's pretty much a sealed deal I thought.  Maybe I'm wrong though, Tallahassee didn't seem too concerned about having sex with me every chance he got. 

Obviously this took me by surprise.  So, if we don't have sex every time we see each other, then what are we doing?  Is this a friendship?  I don't want just friends yet, maybe after a few more weeks of amazing sex.

I invited him over to my house, technically the next night since I didn't see him until the wee hours of Saturday.  I asked Cain if inviting him over would be too much.

"I don't want to chase, and I don't want him to think I'm smitten over him...I am a little though," is what I explained to Cain as I asked if it'd be ok to invite him over.

"Nah, he probably wants more," What the fuck is more?

"What do you mean more," sometimes I do have tact, very infrequently though.

"More ass," Cain doesn't have tact, but I appreciate it.

So I invited Tallahassee over.  Cain said I should invite him over to watch a movie because that's a surefire way to say you want to have sex, but I didn't add that in.  I'm a little more direct about things then that, no need to pretend we're gonna sit around and watch an hour plus of blah blah blah...

"Yea I can come over, I have to finish up some work first though.  Do you want to get a movie?" Oh Tallahassee, you don't disappoint me.

I couldn't help laughing as I read that and thought of Cain.  I went and got a bottle of wine and got all dolled up and waited for my skater to come and rock my world...

Tall-as-he's-long

I could hear myself moaning and stretching, I usually moan when I wake up, well, when I wake up, when I get tattoos, when I hurt myself and walk or ride, when I have sex...I'm a moaner what can I say.

Then I felt his hand.  Oh god, Tallahassee was still here, and I told him just a few hours ago when we passed out we could have morning sex.  My life is perfect, morning sex is the best.

I was somehow totally off my bed, the only part of me on it was my ass and legs and my legs were in between his, and his hands were all over them.  It was amazing.  I reached my hand up and touched his to-die-for chest.

Then, I felt him, and I mean HIM.  Oh sweet jesus you don't hate me after all.  This man was perfect for me.  I couldn't believe I was so lucky.  Somehow I turned my body around and still was half off the bed, threw my hands on the ottoman that helps my puppies into my bed and started working. 

At one point I turned around and gave the best, this is great sex face I could and saw he was in pure ecstasy. 

When all was said and done, I knew I'd be calling him again.

Tallahassee

Today may be the day that I stop my search for good sex and open up to a great person.

Or, for a few weeks anyways.  Have you ever talked to a person thinking you're just friends to then think, they want a significant relationship, for a night...with ME.  That's what I realized when I asked my friend to go to the mountains with me.

Of course, when I asked him I thought we could both find randoms from who knows where while gliding our way to blissfullness on a piece of sweet fiberglass.  I quickly realized that wasn't his intentions.  Because he couldn't go to the mountains when I could.

So, I opted for plan b, invited him to the bar and have a great night.  I texted Cain as soon as I got off the phone with Tallahassee.  "I got a hook up for Friday..."

"Sweet, who is it?"

"Tallahassee"

"He's cool, that's a great plan."

And away I went in my dreams of getting out of control drunk and having a night of bliss with a devilishly hot skater.  But, as the night progressed, I started to wonder if Tallahassee was going to show. 

I had asked him earlier that day if he was still going to come, he had said he was planning on it.  But, 11 p.m. came and went, midnight came and went, and he still wasn't there.  He had texted a few times asking where I was and how long I'd be there, but he hadn't walked through the doors of either bar.

"I have to work early tomorrow, I really don't think I can make it.  What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked at around 12:30.

"I'm going to see a friend up north, I'll make sure you get up on time for work, just come over to my house."

I immediately asked Cain to take me home when he said he would do that.  But, Cain was a grump and said he couldn't get everyone to go that fast.  Everyone? There were two other people with us, really?  And, one easily had another ride available. 

"I love you baby," was what the creepy ass drunk guy said to me two minutes later as I frantically thought how long it would take to walk home, I was 30 minutes drive away from my house, not good.

So I asked Tallahassee to come get me.

"I'm on my way," THANK YOU SNAKE.  I was going to see his hot face after all...

Capitol Payne

"Call me if you head my way," is what Capitol said when I dropped him off.

On a scale of 1 to 10, the chances of me calling him are about a six.  I likely will if I visit again, but he won't be the first call I make.  I picked him up Monday morning, he didn't make it to my area until Sunday afternoon.  He had been out with friends the night before and was leaving Monday afternoon.

I got him, hungover and planning his flight.  We had perhaps 10 minutes of slightly disappointing hung over sex....  At first I thought, I need to give this a second shot, now though I am reconsidering. 

I haven't talked to him in weeks, not even on facebook.  I guess we both got what we wanted, and maybe we were both disappointed, or he was embarrassed.  Who knows, who cares.

But, I refuse to let this stop me from visiting his mountains again.  And perhaps him, if not him, my other snowboard friend.

Mounds of Capitol

"123-456-7890," was my instant reply to Capitol- only my number was legit.  And, I added how lucky he was to finally get it.  He disagreed; and, I instantly thought of Cain's comment about the passive-aggressive backhanded compliment to woo a girl...and it made me melt.  I was being degraded!  He must want me.  He was going to take advantage of my sweet, luscious v-spot.

Then, it was like a record being stopped at a party; but, no one started to slow clap.  I had to think of Rome.  Unfortunately, as you all know, shortly after I gave my number to Capitol, Rome quit using it.  One far too drunken night I mentioned to Rome that Capitol was coming.  He didn't think it as a friend visit I slightly assume.

Quite frankly I'm shocked.  Although I brought up Capitol to Rome, I definitely didn't maintain my lady-like behavior with Rome.  But, it didn't matter, the words were said. 

A week, to the day, after Rome started the silent treatment, Capitol was in town.  I was pampering myself, making my hair the whitest of whites. Capitol had said it was off-white before, he wouldn't this time.  I was waxing my eyebrows, shaving my legs, and every other spot so perfectly I was nearly molested by the razor. 

I picked out a shirt that would hide what needed to be hid; a bra that would make my boobs look like a 17 year old voluptious girl's; and, a pair of jeans that would make my ass look perfect.  The next night I was going to get wasted, give him a lap dance, rock his....and then he said he was leaving the next afternoon.

Dammit, on to plan B.  I would see him before he left.  It may be morning, and maybe trashy to drink early, but I was willing to take one for the team.

He was drunk texting me that night, and I was getting excited to see him.  My stomach was flipping over with joy.  I couldn't sleep.  I had never been so skanky in all my life and he wasn't even in my bed....yet.

Capitol Face

When I got home from the mountains the first thing I did, well after showering and thanking everything unholy that I was no longer in a minivan with a five year old and two 50-something year olds, was to go on Facebook.  Capitol had added me...I was dreaming of how he would woo me over facebook, win my heart and we would live happily-ever-10-hours-away-after.

And, I wanted to creep on his page.  Let's face the facts, someone is adding or being added to a friends list for the sole purpose of stalking.  I wanted to stalk the shit out of Capitol. 

Unfortunately, I have a very few number of people that I creep on Facebook.  Too many are depressing souls who talk about their failing marriages (thank you facebook for reminding me daily why I don't want to get married for years and providing me the opportunity to divorce vicariously through friends and learn what to and not to do) or praise their lord (that's fine, I just don't have anything to relate to that) or they just flat out aren't entertaining.  What is with the people who have 2 pictures on their page and it's profile pictures and nothing else?  Why are they on there?  I think they are stalking everyone else in a very sociopath method.

I do, however, greatly enjoy the people who are either: so self-absorbed that it's just interesting to see how someone compensates for their insecurities; or, the people that are just fucking hilarious.  I would say I have maybe five flat out funny facebook friends.  Capitol is one of them.  As a matter of fact, Capitol is at the top of the list for funny.

Not only does he make funny statuses, or photo captions, his friends make funny comments, he comes to my page and makes funny comments, etc.  Very few people capture my attention as much as Capitol- Cain is probably next in line for funny statuses and other weird activities.

For two months we gave each other hell on facebook, if there was an opportunity to make fun of each other, we took it.  Sometimes I even gave him information about me that he could use against me because he is so clever.  We chatted a few times, and then he sent me a chat telling me he was coming my way to see friends.

It was as if a little star began to shine brightly in my life.  I was in quite the predicament though, would Capitol be seeing friends that he was going to hook up with, was he going to want to see me? 

I also had Rome in my life when he sent me the message.  I had to ask myself what I wanted to do if Capitol actually did make a move, could I remain virtuous, would Rome care if he somehow found out I lusted and acted on this lust with another?  No way was I going to ask Rome "what are we".  Ha, that is a TERRIBLE thing to do as a woman.  No offense to the girls that have and will continue to do it...

I had to think quick though.  Even though Rome and I had never said anything about not hooking up with anyone else, he had mentioned he hadn't had sex with anyone else since I started to see him.

The next day was when I got the message, "If you want to hang out you'll have to give me your number."

Rome Conquers Eden (3)

Rome and I ended up texting that entire night.  Every so often he would ask, "so I'm definitely going to get to see you this weekend?"

"Yes Rome, do you want to meet me at the bar or do you want me to call you when I'm done?"

"I'll come with you, if I have to I'll head over straight from work."

I've known Rome for so long I feel a little more comfortable telling him things than I would otherwise.  And, then, I also feel totally less comfortable in other instances.  But, I couldn't resist.

"I think X broke up with me because of you Rome, he heard me say your name in my sleep one night.," oh why was I telling him this.  "And, apparently I said it to him once."

I couldn't see him, I couldn't hear him, but I could feel him smile.  Shit.

Thursday came and I was getting nervous about seeing Rome.  I thought I should just cancel, but I had sort of promised him I wouldn't.  He was one of my favorite people ever, as a friend even, so I couldn't say no.

That night I ended up going to his house.  He was off work unexpectedly, and my friend couldn't get off work to go out for the night.  He was nervous, I couldn't believe it.

He showed me his house, looking at me every few seconds to see my expression.  He was wringing his hands showing me his room, his bed was only a mattress and I looked right at it with a what the fuck expression.

"The sheets are in the dryer, they were kinda dirty," he said, standing on the opposite side of the room from me looking at me with anticipation.

"Nice Rome, I'm surprised your house is as clean as it is right now," I was kind of loving his anxiety.  But, it wasn't just that, he had changed.  He wasn't as heartless as before, it was in his eyes, it was in the way he had his life together now.

Six hours later, I was sitting at a bar stool smoking a cigarette and he was talking.  I was smashed, I had no idea what was coming out of his mouth as he spoke.  I could tell he didn't know what he was wanting to say either, but, whatever he was saying wasn't it.

"It's too bad you never liked me Rome," I cut him off and mumbled the rest, "cuz we always got along so well."

"Why did you say that?" He lost his breath, I really couldn't believe it.  This wasn't the same Rome I had known for years.

"I would have picked you over X if you had asked," he nodded his head, he knew that already.  "I wouldn't be heartbroken right now if you had just grown up two years ago."

He nodded his head again.  He brushed the hair off my shoulder and rubbed his thumb along my neck.  "I wish I had grown up two years ago babe."

Before I could even start to cry, he leaned down and kissed me.  For the first time in two years I realized that the love I felt for X were my feelings for Rome on another person's face.

Duc

Well shit, I was all down in the dumps for a week or two because I thought I was getting to be too old to meet someone......and now I have another fella.  Dopey couldn't leave for here yesterday, he got another day with his son and I don't blame him for staying.  So, I went out with some other people.

He's actually my first boyfriend from when I was 14.  He and one of my best friends are also in love with each other or so they say sometimes....and yet here I am being wooed by him. 

THAT is my biggest concern, I don't know why he would talk to me when he knows I'm her friend.  Unless he's trying to get her to pick it up and date him.  However, she is dating one of his best friends.  This is a mess, needless to say.

He was so much fun though and I'm really torn about what to do.  We went riding until 5 a.m.  I've never had such a good time, he topped out at 104 with me and felt me being lifted so he stopped, (what a gentleman!) and just cruised around with me.

I called him out at the beginning of the night when he started flirting with me and talking about us having sex.  I said my friend wouldn't like it and for the rest of the night he didn't try anything. 

He flirted, and he was touchy feely.  He bought me breakfast (seriously, I keep getting breakfasts, I need a dinner).  He left his helmet with me and said we'd ride today.  I'm really excited, but I'm trying to get ahold of my friends to get a feel for everything.  I think he knows nothing will happen.  Well, nothing but me getting disappointed because here I am having a blast and he's got my best friend's heart.

86d

Tallahassee and I are done.  He put on his facebook he is in a relationship w/ some DOG ASS UGLY GIRL.  No joke.  I mean, I am not saying I'm gorgeous, at all.  But this girl is one of the top 10 ugliest people I have ever seen in my life.

I'm still saddened by the whole thing.  A part of me thinks he put her there as a joke.  I don't know, I don't want to know.  Rome is dating some girl too, she's cute.  I don't get it, neither of them ever had a relationship before they dated me and now both are in relationships after me....

Oh, and X has a girlfriend too.  Yea, I talked to him when I was feeling down about Talla.

So, last night I went out to bars that promise the more skater type.  I saw a twin to Tallahassee, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him.  Maybe for the better.

Then, I met someone else..Dopey.  He's a rider, he was short...but he had strawberry blonde hair.  So I feel like I'm opening myself up to more types.  He lives about 12 hours away though.  Mutha fucka why do I get the guys that live states away?

So, who knows what will happen here, I have a few others lined up so we shall see whose next.

Tallahas-me

I jumped in his truck and my heart sunk...oh god, not what I was hoping for.  He looked older than when I knew him at 16.  He looked like he wouldn't be as much fun, and probably not a great lay.  Shit, there was still another guy with Cain....

We got back to my house and had uncomfortable conversations and then I got the text that saved my life.

"Can we come over?" It was my girlfriend, she had left with Cain and his friend.  Yes, I could have the three of them come over and make it with Semo for sure.  I was set....until they got there.

"What happened to Cain?" I asked Lilith looking desperately around the room for him.  He was gone, it was Lilith and Semo and that was it.  Fuck. My. Life.

"He dropped us off pissed off and peeled out of the driveway," she told me.  Shit, she would probably hook up with Semo.  And I'd be stuck with Talla-old-guy.  What was I going to do?

I decided I was in it to win it, I was going to have my way with Tallhassee and have fun for a night.  Since he wasn't what I remembered there's no way I'll care in the morning.

So, a few hours later and a lot drunker upstairs we went.  I went over to my closet and took my jeans off and considered putting on another pair of pants or a different shirt but decided that was too much.  I could feel him watching me and I turned around.

HOLY SHIT.  What was underneath his pullover velour carhart was nothing but pure, manliness.  My night was looking up.  But my eyes couldn't.  I jumped on the bed on top of  him and made up for the disappointment of Capitol.

Let's just say there are two things I learned that night, 1. It was all Capitol's fault, and 2. Tallahas-me.

Rome to date (5)

Perhaps I'm disappointed, uninterested, heartbroken who knows.  But, I'm going to skip ahead to the present.

I haven't talked to Rome in over a week.  The last time I saw him was Friday the 12th.  He met me at the bar, we had a wonderful night.  Just a few weeks before that he had told me he wanted to make love to me.  He all but made me feel like he was in love. 

Valentine's Day came and he sent me a text message wishing me "happy vd"...it sounds terrible but I thought it was sweet.  Rome and I are not romantics, it was above and beyond his normal attitude.  I tried to downplay the holiday and asked if he had gotten his niece anything. He replied and that was it.

I haven't heard from him since.  I can only assume that I fucked up.  I'm not surprised, it's not the first time that's happened.  I cannot tell you how many people, boyfriends, guy friends, girl friends, etc, ask me if I'm the man in the relationship.  I just cannot form those intimate feelings, and I assume most guys get uncomfortable with those feelings as well.

I have sent Rome two text messages since, one was the day after Valentine's and I was totally unaware he didn't want to talk to me.  The next was a week later asking if he was mad at me.  He never responded to either.

I don't know what to do.  A part of me wants him back, and a part of me wants to enjoy being single...

When in Rome (2)

"I called you last night and you didn't answer", was the text that Rome sent me the next day.

"I know, I saw, I ignored it," people never, EVER, say Eve has a heart...(they are wrong, I just have a very guarded heart)

"That's so dick," Rome said.  "I was ready to come out and see you and you ignored me.  You should come over and see my house, I'll give you a tour."

"I'm just not ready," and I wasn't.  It had been three weeks since the split, it had been three weeks that I had spent crying every time I thought of X.  I was holding out for him to come back.  I had no desire to pull this cake out of the freezer.

"Ok, well call me when you are." 

And that was it, I was never going to talk to Rome again, I was sure of it.  I read that message and the tears spilled out.  I hadn't cried in two years, since the death of my grandpa.  I hadn't cried over a man.....ever.  At least I couldn't remember ever, perhaps as a young high school student.  I am just not that kind of girl.

It was a month later, I had regained most of my composure.  Somehow I had two dates set up that weekend.  The knots were forming, oh snake I hate dating.  I hate first dates.  I hate the fact that I sit there, listening to some dud talk about how wonderful he is, in a somewhat subtle way- if not I'm walking out.  All while I know he is full of shit.  No one is as perfect in reality as they are on a first date. 

And so, I text Rome, "are you working this weekend".

I was slightly nervous, did I really want to go back there?  What if he was over it, what if he actually had a girlfriend, although it would be the first time in his life, crazier things have happened.

"Yeah, but I can find a way to see you."

Oh....

The Romebook (4)

Rewind six weeks:  I have never been a romantic, I hardly ever watch romance movies.  After X and I split I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me and that my being so unemotional, so ungirly, had to do with why my relationships were destined to the graveyard.

For the first time in my life, I watched The Notebook.  The weekend after X and I split.  I sat on my couch crying, less because of the story and more because I was never going to have someone who loved me that much.  I was never going to be a girl that some guy couldn't take his eyes off of because I wasn't a sweet, angelic, innocent creature.  I am the root of all evil kind of creature.

Fastforward to Rome:  We were back at his house, I was significantly more intoxicated at arrival, and thankfully I was sobering up, just not in a pleasant way...

It was late November and I was getting chilly, Rome runs about 5 degrees warmer than the average person and I run about 2 degrees cooler (that's actually a true statement, this cold heart isn't just figurative).  So, I managed to fall my way up his stairs to his bed and grab his white comforter.  We had somehow gotten to yelling, and in my current state I don't know how or why we were; but, I was ready and raring to go.

And, as I stood at the top of the stairs, ready to yell something smart out he stopped me in my tracks.

"Eve, there is something bigger than both of us that keeps bringing us together.  I'm not in love with you right now, but I can honestly say you're the only person I had ever thought of saying it to before."

And, I rolled my eyes.  Eve...does not believe in fate.

Capitol

Almost two months ago I went on a trip to the mountains.  If you have never been skiing or snowboarding you are missing out on the most enjoyable sports.....ever, in my opinion.  I have been to the mountains since I was a toddler.  Almost as soon as I could walk I would go on mountain vacations with my parents.

I have never been to the mountains and had a trip like my last one though.  I met the funniest person ever, I say that a lot though so it's not entirely true.  But, he was a blast.

I made friends with him, but in the back of my head I was holding out on Rome.  I hadn't talked to Rome in awhile though so I was a little more open to meeting someone than on many other occassions when Rome was more relationship material than less.

His name was Capitol, he was tall- I never date tall guys, he had long hair- I never date guys with long hair, he was slender- I never date slender guys and he had tattoos and was an adventurist.  Although I've never dated a guy with more tattoos than me, not by choice but because their personalities always seemed to suck, I love them.  Even more than that, I love outdoorsy, adventure types.  I saw him do a jump on the mountain and was in love. 

He was dirty skaterish, he cussed, he was sarcastic, he had this cool, calm demeanor and didn't give a fuck about anything and it was hot.  It was him.  I don't like guys because they're any of those things, but because they are natural and comfortable.

And then, there was the way he looked at me.  It only happened a few times, to be honest I thought he found me a nuisance when we first met.  Until I caught him looking at me.  He had that look that said everything in his eyes.  He wanted me; he figured I didn't want him; he found me intriguing; and, he didn't want me to leave.  I didn't want to either.

We stood on the base of the mountain my last day talking.  He had stayed with me the whole day even though he didn't have to and I was injured and couldn't ride much.  I was on the stair of the mountain house and he was on the ground.  I was telling him how I was going to try to come back in a few months and he was giving me that look.  The look that said he wanted me, but would never get me.

I waited in anticipation for him to make a move, to ask for my number, to brush my hair out of my face, to grab my fingers, to pick me up, carry me to some hidden brush and give me all he was worth....

He gave me a high five instead.  Until he came to visit me a few weeks later, 10 hours away...